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By the Peugeot, with the Perrier

1999 Takayuki Kido
printed on Tokyo Underground Public Review "SPEAK" Apr., 2000
I can't do that, any longer truly.

The roof of Peugeot is opened although it is cold. The downward slope where a residence crowds is dashed at 120km/h.

You're ignorant -- you're insincere -- you're shallow-brained -- although said, since I am a woman in short.

A scarf with the blue head of RIKO flutters violently. The thin arm of RIKO turns the steering. The black high-heeled shoe of RIKO despise an accelerator to full open.

Isn't it so?! The project that I ran about like that and made?! An oversight was anywhere in neither neither a market nor an appointment nor the sponsor! Because I am a woman, that I succeed to the top is troublesome to that man! Therefore, preparations are done in the reverse side...

The wheels shout. It runs through the red signal and horns crosses from right and left. A brick wall approaches. A fence, a guardrail, too. As for the short skirt of RIKO, only the mere tip between thighs has fluttered.

Therefore, a man is hopeless! Though they usually quarrel with each other, make camaraderie working only at this time, and becomes a bundle, and bring me down. Otherwise, a one woman cannot be opposed, either -- since they are weak, are sly and are empty!

"Like that"When I looked up, the sky was blue that a color was light. The sun is white, and glaring, and the wind which blows is coldly dry. RIKO removed a foot from the accelerator.
YOUJI, don't we ruin all the men? The world is ruined in this. When there is a man, neither war nor destruction is stopped. Therefore, shall we do so? Only you are all right for the man. Because you are indifferent to the power. Don't we do so? If not, I must die. If not...

"Like that" I was badly tired.

Why is it such a thing?

I must have been alive in order to write the best novel. It is how. I am accompanied about to RIKO which is my edit person in charge by me in this way by the Peugeot.
RIKO was the first editor who accepted my novel. I was glad. Although it accepted to people of course, which writing is working, that is, aiming at my target leads to money was glad. The time of only the benefit that living expenses have already been earned isn't needed, I have only to do only the thing which I want to do, it was that possibility.
But, it was different in practice. No, it carried out by crossing little by little.
RIKO began to show the eye different from the eye which does work while carrying a leg to my room repeatedly. They are the eyes of the woman who looks at the charmed man. Although I regarded myself as it being man who makes a moderate judgment, the eye of RIKO was so candid that the I was also made to think clearly that is right.
RIKO is a good woman. She is tall and her style is also good. Her face is ready and her voice is also sexy. Work is also well. But, her character is not acceptable. She is too much selfish character.
Probably there will be a man who like a selfish woman as the number of stellar. But, I am not so. I want to write a novel and am alive. I can accept only the woman who stands a seat without also carrying out a disagreeable face when I want to write.
Therefore, I refused confession of RIKO. It is far better rather than it will be brandished by RIKO every day, even if work goes out.
RIKO said. "But, there is no change in my accepting the novel of YOUJI. Therefore, that I want you to make me take charge from now, if you are not disagreeable. Isn't it good? Please." Ofcourse, I accepted.
On the day which my first series finished, RIKO came to my room with wine bottles for both hands. "Thank you for your work." We put our glasses together, talked with some excitement, and wine was vacated at the high pace. After that, it is the pattern which often exists.
But, RIKO did not press a shield for relations for it. Not to speak of it curves, when I awoke, she carried out by having dress on so that naturally, saying "Well, I coming to take on the manuscript of GUSTANK, after tomorrow." and returning by the eye at the time of work.
She is a really good woman -- I considered so.
But, seemingly, the the good woman is also clever.
After that, RIKO was come by the eye of work, and said, "Unless it actually experiences, Eros cannot be written well.", and she straddled, and she said at a certain time, "There should be an artist in the desire and feeling which it is not in morals.", and she rubbed my penis.
And I responded to it. I do not say that I lost. I responded myself. RIKO is an infallible good woman -- the man who doesnt' have a desire is crazy.
Soon, clever woman RIKO becomes my girl friend without my consent.
The time of wanting to go out with me, RIKO invited me skillfully such as this, "There are those who are wanted by me to meet you from now on. If you wanted to become a first-class writer, you should contact the first-class men.", after finishing the meeting of slight time, she took me long time about her satisfactorily. When I go out, she surely escorts by the eye of work, and other women took care to have not come near. And troublesome one is just going to have the case of work sometimes truly.
That is right also in today.

Since the work related to you having become useless and I have a talk to you, come just for a moment... She said so, and taking me out by the eye of work and telling a terrible grumble... Today, I take the pill.,, A schedule is vaguely proposed, immediately after that... May I go shopping before it... She made to decide.

"Good." And I don't resist. I get tired with skillful guidance of RIKO too much to resist. Now, one day also disappeared today.
I may sometimes doubt why I don't accept RIKO. She take my work and good woman, I may think why it is necessary to refuse her.
Or I may think that I am enjoying this ambiguous relation.
Or I may think that I will be in a now terrible happy place.
But immediately after it, I conscious of myself who cannot write when I want writing, and I am caught by the suspicion whether RIKO didn't accept my novel, but to have accepted myself.
Then, RIKO begin to seem to be sticky and jelly-shaped object like an ameba. She is weak and is a spoiled child, moreover averting her eyes to it, pretending to be the woman who was strong and became independent, and she compensates for her uneasiness by taking others in.
The skillful art of conversation put on unconsciously in order to erase the fear that she might be refused, the good oblivion of the convenience which works unconsciously in order to erase the fear that she was refused, replacement of memory, and confrontation refusal... the each thing tell me the weakness and unfortunate of RIKO, and pity and manliness are called.
But, such a thing is the same also in whom. Probably that is right also in me.
Growing up into the fatherless family, my mother stayed away from the house till late at night from the morning every day for work. It is an unavoidable thing. Since I must be brought up and she must live.
But, I was worried. Every night, I sat on the door and got tired of waiting for my mother. Uneasiness expanded in my head as time for my mother returning home drew near.

... My mother may not return any longer.
... I may become lonely.
... I may be deserted by my mother and may become lonely.
... Supposing, I may already be deserted by my mother and may be lonely.

... Therefore, I can make a living now alone. Since uneasiness was not lost even if I tried hard to be liked by the mother how much, however I may promise with a mother that I am not deserted.
Therefore, I decided not to believe people from the start. I decided not to take to people. Then, the uneasiness that I may be betrayed is lost.
Therefore, I decided to love what does not separate and go from myself.
Therefore, I decided to love my contents.
But since my contents were not visible for me, I wrote the character. I wrote the character, and I was seen. I was seen and I loved.
It is so that what I love may become beautiful at the highest, as what I love becomes beautiful and what I love becomes more beautiful...

No! I want everybody to love me in fact!

I want writing the highest novel and want to be praised by everybody!

Therefore, I must become No.1, then I am not thrown away any longer, I may not become uneasy, then I may not be afraid any longer...
RIKO stopped the Peugeot on the way and has bought bread and the Perrier. The sun is sinking a little and clouds are flowing the whole the sky. The finger of RIKO turns a key and I grasp the hand tightly.
"What's the matter? Have you mistaken in the quantity of that moreover?" RIKO put my head to sleep in her knee. "Just wait, and I'll take you home." The engine beats fast with the body of RIKO.
The leg of RIKO opens an accelerator. The steering turns over me. The swelling of the breast of RIKO is over my face.
"Are you OK?"
The eyes of RIKO inspects me from the valley of a breast. I'm OK, it is only merely tired. The sky surrounded by the arm of RIKO flows back slowly, and goes. it is this darkness, the horizon is surely turning red. I closed my eye slowly and tried to feel the softness and warmth of RIKO.
Then, my ear heard the heartbeat of RIKO. The blood flow which flows the thigh of RIKO pushed my ear. RIKO is valid. And I am also alive. This feeling of hope... This feeling of despair... They come by turns, disturb me and disappear.
And I open my eyes.
The elbow of RIKO bends and the steering rotates on the right. The knee of RIKO ups and downs, and the sound of engine, either. The humming of RIKO, the music of radio, the engine sound that is passed and goes. Soon, the Peugeot reduced speed and stocked it toward back.
"YOUJI, we arrived."
The voice of RIKO tried to see, and in the garage, I do not have a reason, either and was crying.